just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
