don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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