Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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