I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
foreskin is a definite game changer
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Please don't give away my fajitas
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
