If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
