Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
