you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize