i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
