i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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