6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
