Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
