the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize