I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
