I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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