he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
the liver wants what the liver wants
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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