Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
