Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
