He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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