those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
