You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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