so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
