Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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