Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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