Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
