Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
