Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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