i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
