Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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