I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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