My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize