your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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