if you like me you must not know who I am
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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