I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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