At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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