I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
