I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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