Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
