I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
