i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
