Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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