the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
