I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
