I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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