This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
