Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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