i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
