her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
