Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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