i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
