The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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