I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
