My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
