I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i drank out of a bidet.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
