I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize