Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
