how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
