I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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