Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
