We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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