at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
