i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
