I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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