I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
