You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I want to fling myself into the sun
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
